apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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