I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
