I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Let's get the cat blown out
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
