i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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