I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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