i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
