i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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