i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
my shit smells like andre
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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