Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
