i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
