they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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