He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
