Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
