Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
