do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
