My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
