Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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