she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
