hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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