how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
