the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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