I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
