If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
