My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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