the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Randomize
