I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
