I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
