You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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