i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I still have a little drunk in my system
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
