You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
