how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
