he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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