He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
