We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
