my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
