last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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