Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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