Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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