but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i came on her dog
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
