This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
