He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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