plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my shit smells like andre
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
