in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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