Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
