I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
