Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
