Will you blow on my dice?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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