Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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