I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
