My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
wanna go halves on a baby?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
