Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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