why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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